There is a local saying that goes ‘you know you’ve become an Aussie the first time you see a kangaroo attempt to car-jack a moving vehicle’. Okay, I may have paraphrased the saying slightly, either that or completely made it up (I always get those two mixed up).
Anyway I think I must be an Aussie now because I believe I witnessed just such an incident last weekend... and no I hadn’t been going hard at the amber nectar prior to the event (though I may have had a few after the incident just to steady my nerves). Right, it’s going to be hard to explain the exact scenario without the use of diagrams, mathematical formulae, molecular models, and/or Swedish models (they are an optional extra), but I’ll give it a go. At approximately 4.37 pm, I was travelling south along Joondalup Drive towards the Hodges Drive intersection at 67.3333* (recurring) kph. I was proceeding with extra caution due to the fact that this event took place in a torrential downpour (we’ve had several of late - more of which later). I then slowed down further at the traffic lights and, because I intended to turn right, I positioned myself in the right-hand filter lane as per the correct road-using protocol. Bored yet? Oh you will be, I haven’t even started to describe what the other 9 lanes of traffic were doing. Okay, I’ll skip that and get straight on to Skippy who emerged, stage left, from a small section of bush and proceeded to hop across two lanes of fast moving traffic. Having somehow negotiated this hazard he continued on across the median strip and into the next set of vehicles which were slowing up because they were approaching a red light (you will note that, this too, is the correct procedure according to the Highway Code). Right, now this is where interpretations of the incident start to differ. I, personally, saw a very large kangaroo attempt to car-jack a vehicle by trying to force entry via the rear door. Harriet and Lucy, who were passengers in my car at the time, saw a not particularly bright marsupial being unable to understand that this traffic wasn’t travelling as quickly as the previous two lanes that he had encountered and as a result careered into the back of the car. And clearly our interpretation would have been completely different to that of the (unfortunate) driver of the car that received the untimely redesign of its rear end. After taking a moment to collect his thoughts the driver got out of his car to get the details of the occupant in the vehicle immediately behind him - let’s face it he was going to need all the help he could get persuading the insurance company that he needed a whole new back panel and rear light configuration because a rogue Kangaroo had run amuck in the middle of Joondalup. After taking a moment to collect his thoughts, and the makers badge off the boot, the Kangaroo dusted himself down, successfully negotiated the last two lanes of traffic and sought shelter in a small section of bushland on the other side of the road (which was presumably greener than the bush that he had just left behind).
At this point the lights turned green, and after checking my rear-view mirror and disengaging the handbrake I moved away and headed along Hodges as far as St Michaels Drive.
The Kangaroo may well be an Aussie icon but they don’t half cause a dent when they decide to have an argument with your car. My car is equipped with ‘roo’ bars on the front - I’m thinking of having them fitted at the rear, and the sides as well just for good measure.
Talking of Aussie icons, Wendy and Harriet went to see pint-sized Kylie last week. Apparently she puts on a half-decent show. She did well to even get here because flights all over Australia have been disrupted, for the last couple of weeks, by a volcanic ash cloud being created by a Chilean volcano (funnily enough). The support band failed to make it to the show due to their flight being cancelled. So, I’m guessing that Ms Minogue must have overcome the problem by coming on the bus. Wendy said there was a very good light show and lots, and lots of water... cascades, fountains etc. She said that the word that best summed up the whole night was... gay! There were definitely more homosexual men there than pre-teen girls. Hattie loved it - for Kylie and the songs though, not for the gay guys.
A couple of nights later me and George headed into the city to watch a NRL (rugby league) match between South Sydney Rabbitohs and the Brisbane Broncos. Just in case you were wondering, the Rabbitohs were the home side, by virtue of the fact that they are only a four hour flight from Perth as opposed to the four and-a-half-hour journey to Brisbane (that’s when there are actually flights available). We got to the ground a good hour before kick-off, and were just tucking into our healthy salad (with a small garnish of kebab meat and pita bread) when the heavens opened. We received 30mm of rain in just half-an-hour - most of it went straight down my shirt collar. Unfortunately, stadiums in WA have been built with the idea that you don’t need protection from the elements. There are no roofs on the stands, so in summer you fry in direct sunlight and in winter you get wet. And, as I may have mentioned previously, umbrellas (along with bottled water, Christopher Biggins, and hand guns) are banned from all Aussie stadiums. By the time the game kicked off, the rate of the rain had eased so that it was only coming down like stair-rods. We reached saturation point somewhere around the eight minute mark but managed to tough it out to half-time. When we were treated to another deluge shortly into the second half we decided to swim for home. Clearly, if the administrators had taken into account the best interests of the fee-paying public then the game would never have gone ahead. But as the game was being televised, the lowly, slightly bedraggled spectator was never really going to be given much consideration.
Back-tracking a little, the same evening as the kangaroo incident in fact, Wendy and I had an enjoyable evening at the 70’s Disco. Well, I say 70’s but it actually turned out to be 70s and 80s. I think they had deliberately not told us the 80s bit because they didn’t want to see me dressed up as Adam Ant, Boy George or Madonna. The event took place in the Joondalup Reception Centre and there was a strict no-kangaroo policy. It was very much in the style of a ‘School Disco’ but with slightly less booze and drugs. The highlight of the evening (apart from Princess Leah and Catwoman) was seeing Gandhi carrying three bottles of beer. That, and watching Wendy persuade the (youngish, Aussie) DJ that if he played ‘Oops up side yer head’ the dance floor wouldn’t clear but would indeed be full of people sitting on it pretending to row a boat. ‘Bewildered’ best described the look on the DJ’s face when that was indeed what happened. The same DJ did incredibly well to give the impression that there had been a difficult decision to be made before handing the ‘Best Women’s Costume’ prize to Catwoman. His decision to give the Men’s prize to the ‘Incredible Hulk’ was slightly more controversial, mainly because most people thought he was meant to be a ninja turtle. Gandhi was robbed.
Surprisingly, in this age of the proliferation of mobile recording devices, there are absolutely no photos available of me dressed as a punk - complete with nose ring. I am told that I got the look right but I just couldn’t ‘do’ the attitude. When I bumped into people I would immediately apologise. Maybe I should take lessons from the car-jacking kangaroos.
Until next time,
H
*as you will no doubt be aware the speed limit on this part of Joondalup Drive is 70kph.
