There is a light that never goes out

My wife and I have been invited to a '70s' party. I'm seriously hoping that '70s' is the theme of the evening and not the average age of the attendees. I'm yet to see an official invite but am led to believe that we are expected to dress-up (or down)in appropriate garb. As you are all aware the 1970s (as opposed to the 1870s... which funnily enough, my wardrobe is more suited to) is the decade that taste forgot.The way I see it is that the choices regarding dressing up are:
1) Glam Rock Platform heels, gold lame cat suits, glitter, long hair, flares.
2) Disco Saturday Night Fever style white suits, flares.
3) Bay City Rollers Tartan, denim, more long hair, more flares.
4) Punk* Nuf said
Personally I'm favouring the latter choice. Apart from anything else it's the lazy option - all I need is some skinny fit jeans, a bin liner and several gallons of hair gel.. oh yeah, and some hair, My biggest quandary is whether to dye my hair blue or red for the occasion.
My only reservation, with going to the party as a punk, is that I did it once before, albeit 30 years ago, and it had the effect of making me irresistible to women (no, honestly, no don't laugh). On that occasion it was a general fancy dress party. As I recall, amongst the revellers, there was a French onion seller, an Andy Pandy, and a Wee Willy Winky (well it was a very cold night). On the bus ride home I had my first proper snog... with Aunt Sally (it was a girl dressed as the character from Wurzel Gummidge, I hasten to add, and not a member of my own family). I think it's safe to assume that I'll be able to avoid such incidents this time around - for a start we are walking to the event so I won't have to come home by bus.
Talking of punk - the Royal Wedding achieved phenomenal viewing figures over hers - over a quarter of the population watched it by all accounts. We had the pictures on TV but with the volume turned down and a soundtrack provided by my iPod. This meant that at one stage there were a couple of nuns in Westminster Abbey who appeared to be lip-sinking to 'Anarchy in the UK' by the Pistols... a nice touch I thought. (Coming up later - find out how my iPod caused me earache of a different kind.)
As you know, by now, I don't like to conform to popular opinion so I won't pass comment on the major talking points of the Wedding - apart from to say... Pippa - yes, the Ferguson girls - no (not with a barge pole, not even when wearing my best full-strength beer goggles). Just one thing though, Kate's (gawd bless 'er) dress was described in some quarters as being Grace Kellyesque. I would have to say that it was more Lorraine Kellyesque (I was going to say Matthew Kellyesque, but that might be a bit harsh). Oh, and one more thing, the BBC Sport website described the Wedding as a 'dry run' for next summer's Olympics... how so? Has the sport of man-handling the aging Duke of Edinburgh into a coach been added to the itinerary for the London Games? If so, is it too late to get tickets?
WARNING: IPods can seriously damage your ears as well as your hearing. Let me elaborate. I was returning home from work, walking back from the railway station (I'm good like that... combining first-class exercise with saving the planet) and it was a Tuesday - it's not important to the story but is true none-the-less. Anyway, I was just crossing the footbridge listening to my iPod (I was listening to my iPod, not the footbridge) when I was set upon by a bee (that may, or may not, have been called Eric). Without a by or leave the bee stung me on the right ear lobe and then flew off - which was quite a feat seeing as it left half of its body attached to the sting, which was in turn attached to my ear. I can only think that the buzz and pitch of the music I was listening to had created a frequency that unsettled the bee, either that or he'd had a particularly bad day at the office. The song that it had objected to so violently was (ironically) 'Heather' by the Wedding Present... again, a nice touch. For a week afterwards my already sizable ear swelled to double its normal girth and for several days I was able to pick up up satellite TV channels on my lugs.
Later that same evening I managed to smash the glass in one of paintings by walking it into a door frame. I would like to blame the sting and subsequent swelling for effecting my balance and causing the accident but I think it's fair to say that my innate clumsiness and general lack of coordination were more likely to have been the overriding contributing factors. You may be asking yourself why was he walking his paintings anyway, do paintings really need to be taken down for regular exercise, aren't they just supposed to sit on walls looking pretty? All good points, to which I have no suitable reply.
Sadly, it now falls upon me to report the tragic, untimely death of my Habitat bendy lamp (Ralph). He passed away after a short illness (and a very loud bang) at the tender age of 27. Ralph was a constant companion and a reliable servant over many years having cast his radiant beam over 104 paintings, countless University projects (all of which were running behind schedule, and several of which were worked upon throughout the night), and a few nocturnal activities that shouldn't be elaborated on here (I'm sorry but if I choose to do a bit of brass rubbing of an evening then that's my business).
All of these duties were carried out despite the fact that Ralph was a very unfashionable olive green colour and had a propensity to release an acrid smell of burning if you kept him turned on for more than five minutes (what do you mean he sounds just like his owner?). Despite the severity of his initial demise, I did manage to get Ralph working again. The problem was that once I got him turned on I couldn't turn him off again (what do you mean he sounds just like his owner?). It was therefore my onerous task to make the decision to turn off his life support machine. Luckily Ralph left a Donor card so his plug and bulb will be used to help prolong the life of the toaster and the fridge. In the tradition of the old Soviet Union I have been playing sombre music constantly for 36 hours as a mark of respect (come to think of it, I have been playing sombre music constantly for 36 years). RIP Ralph 1984-2011. Irreplaceable.
By the way is Habitat still going? Do they still do bendy lamps?
H

* Even allowing for the 10,000 mile journey and the strict quarantine restrictions, punk must have arrived on these shores before the decade was out.