The airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow

Just days away from his twelfth birthday and George is now officially grown up. I believe that the generally accepted benchmark for this milestone (for boys at any rate) is going to the cinema with your mates and being able to recite Monty Python ad nauseum. George and a crowd of school chums, including girls, went to the movies on Friday night. From the detailed description of the plotlines, the list of actors and even the name of the ‘second grip boy’ that he gave us, he either: did indeed ignore the girls and watch the film in its entirety; or he invested in a copy of Empire magazine to get the synopsis and then played tonsil tennis for the next 90 minutes. Needless to say he took two wickets at cricket the next morning.
I went to a music festival called Laneways, a couple of weekends ago. It just happened to be on the same day as Cliff and the Shadows were in town. As a result of which, the train on the way home was populated with a mixture of festival goers and Cliff fans. It took me a while to realise that the reason people kept looking at me (apart from the fact that a large dollop of chilli sauce had somehow escaped from my kebab and was now adorning the front of my rather old and battered Billy Bragg T shirt) was because they were trying to work out whether I was coming back from the festival or the Cliff gig. I spent the entire journey tousling my flowing lock of hair thus lifting my arm and exposing the festival wristband on my wrist (it seemed like the best place to put it), and the lack of scar around the hip area... thus proving that I still had all of my own original parts in that region. The festival was very good – although it was a bit loud and too crowded and there was an awful lot of litter. I know I sound like I should have gone to Cliff after all, at least there I would have got a comfy chair and the site logistics might have been a bit better. I think the Laneways organisers were expecting some biblical intervention to take place: For they had managed to assemble a crowd of 5000 and attempted to service it with two catering vans and five toilets. Two of Britain’s biggest exports were playing the festival - Mumford and Sons and Florence and the Machine and both of them were brilliant (although Echo and the Bunnymen were better than either of them). Fortunately the other UK act that is currently flying high in the album charts over here at the moment wasn’t playing.... Susan Boyle. I’m not sure what a train full of Susan Boyle fans would look like but I’m fairly sure that I wouldn’t want to get tangled up with them.

As a public service - Here are the answers to some Frequently Asked Questions;
No; no; is it your birthday?; I said No; No; Oh go on then but can we skip the build up this time.
Okay so they are all the answers to the same FAQ but you can’t blame me for trying.

Wendy is definitely going to do the course that I alluded to in an earlier blog (you can find out which one for yourself, I really can’t be bothered to look it up – I think it was the one where I was hilariously funny - so that should narrow it down a bit). The course is run by Curtin University, she showed me the study schedule and it didn’t look at all pleasant and that was before they dish out any extra homework. If she starts stressing about it I’ll be able to tell her to pull herself together (Curtin University, pull yourself together... Curtin... pull...No? Anyway the course starts in July). The chances are that her solo tour of the UK will take place sometime in May; please check the Press for details nearer the time. My own solo tour has hit some minor difficulties due to a few telecommunication problems. I’ve e-mailed and texted a few people to confirm dates and times to arrive at their house and they appear to be having problems replying to confirm that I will be rapturously received into their abode. One person did manage to reply to tell me that they had recently moved house but couldn’t remember their new address... or even the town it was in. I can see that my tour is going to be as successful as Whiney Houston’s is down here at the moment. She cancelled her Perth gig because they ‘couldn’t find the right kind of trucks to transport her equipment’... apparently it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she had only managed to sell three tickets.
Anyway I’m off to read the latest edition of Empire magazine that I’ve just found stuffed down the side of the sofa... no idea how that got there.

What people said about the last blog_____________________________________
Thanks a bunch everyone. I work my fingers to the bone, slavishly pinching other people’s jokes and does anyone appreciate it?

As you will have no doubt worked out already the FAQ was: can we watch the DVD of the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy Final 2007?