Back before you know it

There are several things that I learnt on my recent to visit to the UK:
1- Never play football with a spaniel. They don’t bounce properly, and it’s harder to get swerve on them than with the Jabulani ball, plus when you kick them they make more noise than a vuvuzela, oh and yeah the rspca will be round in a shot. Also, don’t play football against a spaniel because they run rings around you and make you look as slow as John Terry. Whether they nutmeg you or not is an optional extra (it helps if one of you has consumed alcohol). To be fair to me, Larry spaniel is sure to be another big money signing for Man City before the end of the summer.
2- Don’t expect train drivers on the Manchester Victoria line to let you on the train, even if it is 11 o’ clock at night, throwing it down with rain and he’s not leaving the station for another 20 seconds. Still, at least we managed to get back to the pub for another pint before the next (and last) train turned up... it was still raining but I didn’t really notice.
3- There’s a nice part of Goole. I didn’t get any photos of it though – I didn’t believe Stacey when she told me such an area existed so I left my camera behind. Apparently this disbelief has been going on for decades and that’s why there are no decent photos of Goole.
4- The best way to combat jet lag is to spend time in the company of a two-year-old boy.
5- Never change your mind when backing horses, always go with your first choice. Actually, I already knew this one, but for some inexplicable reason chose to ignore it. The more important rule is never telling anyone you changed your mind because they’ll give you hell about it afterwards. My first choice had been Avenues and Alleyways which duly romped home (it had time to stop to wave to the cameras) at 7-1. My second choice didn’t.
6- I should have listened when all the giants of rock - : the likes of the Rolling Stones, Muse, Led Zeppelin and the Nolans said that touring was hard work. It really is. A different bed every night, drunk every night, recreational drugs (okay, Lions Sports mixtures and Haribo mix) every night, a different set of groupies every... hang on a minute what happened to the groupies? I didn’t even get a half-decent Nolan hanging around for me.
7- If people hang out ‘Welcome Home’ signs, when you haven’t been seen for two-and-a-half years, the neighbours will simply assume that you have made parole this time and have been let out of jail. The fact that I was (apparently) pasty faced and looked like I hadn’t seen the sun for a while didn’t help. I did point out that there are several reasons for my pastiness:
a) I was coming from the Oz winter,
b) I’m an Emu (or is that Emo? You know, it’s like a Goth but with a less cheery outlook on life),
c) The sun is a bit powerful over here so you tend not to just sit around in it; we stay active and wear factor 30 sun block (which is basically white paint).
d) Winona Ryder (or maybe that’s the reason that I’m only partially sighted).
8- Being locked in a pub is a good thing. I had never been ‘locked in’ before, so was pleasantly surprised to find that it is actually a pleasant experience – largely down to the fact that I found somebody that I could talk to about sport, music and general bobbins. Bearing in mind the previous point (No.6) I did end up behind bars several times during the evening. The route back from the toilet was very poorly marked and I found myself in the Bet Lynch position on more than one occasion that night. Having discovered the delights of the ‘lock-in’ imagine my joy when two nights later I actually slept in a pub.
9- Trains disappear between Hull and Goole – Lord Lucan is on the train that should have got to Goole at 13:09 (11 July 2010) on its way to Doncaster... more importantly Shergar is driving it.
10- Don’t ever try to smuggle a half-eaten kebab through Australian customs. Not that a kebab should be half-eaten after a 19 hour flight. I had it re-confirmed that the kebab is a unit of measurement i.e. Pete lives two kebabs from the Bradford Road. When were you in Huddersfield? Two kebabs ago.
Of course there are lots of people I must thank for making my holiday such a great success, and good fun despite it being so hectic. But frankly I’m not going to name names. You were all brilliant hosts and pandered to my every whim (I’m sorry but toast simply must be buttered from left to right and a cup of tea has to match the pantone colour 730 (one for all the graphic designers out there) - if you are working on the Dulux colour chart then ‘Cuddlepot’ will suffice). I do however have to say a big thanks to my little brother who very kindly let me hijack his birthday party and then took a week off work to chauffeur me around visiting people he’d never met before. Okay, so all the folks we met up with spent more time chatting to Bob than to me, having discovered that he was the funny man and I was the straight man (ignore all those rumours you heard previously). In fact you could say we were like Little and Large (hold on, surely there wasn’t actually a funny man in that partnership).
There are many other people that I would have liked to have forced myself on but there simply wasn’t time. I did get round West, South, North and East Yorkshire (I may also have ducked into Nottinghamshire at one point but it was under the cover of darkness so I think I got away with it). I apologise to all those people that I did actually see.
I arrived home to find that I hadn’t been missed at all. In fact I’ve been totally phased out. George is doing all the chores that I used to do, and in the bedroom Wendy has replaced me with an electric blanket and a good book (I think she said book). If I hadn’t been laden down with gifts I might never have been allowed back in. Wendy and the kids went down to Albany for their holidays and had a good time by all accounts, although the weather turned a bit nasty towards the end of the week.
Right I’m off now, I’m just about back on the right time zone now and escaped any serious jet lag – I was a bit zombified on Saturday to be frank it was difficult to tell it apart from my usual state. Wendy and George are off to a festival on Saturday and then Wendy nips down the road to Sydney next Wednesday, for a few days.
Back soon,
H

Who’s your money on to win the Mercury Music Prize? I was thinking that Mumford and Sons would get it but now I’ve changed my mind and reckon it will be Paul Weller – Waking the Nation (not heard it but it’s had some rave reviews). I can hear the odds being slashed on the banjo toting, London four-piece as we speak.