I'm trying a new tack for this blog. I'm writing it on a Saturday morning, without the assistance (or reliance) on alcohol. Yes, it's my first sober blog for quite some time, I doubt that it will have a positive effect on the spelling, grammar or general quality of the writing but I'll give it a go anyway.
There are several reasons why I've chosen to shut myself in the office this morning to tap (painfully slowly) away on the computer. The first, and probably most truthful, is that I'm hiding out in an attempt to avoid the housework. Secondly (and our UK readers will be able to relate to this) the weather is a wee bit inclement at the moment. It's a bit breezy, only 18 degrees and there are some threatening looking clouds scudding across.
Fourthly (it would appear that sobriety hasn't done much for my numeracy either) we are going to a party later... I'm guessing that there will be a barbecue, several gallons of lager and a lot of nonsense will be spouted (mainly by me).
This Arvo, me and George are off to a big footy match - the Falcons are playing the Swans in the WAFL (pronounced waffle - as in Birdseye potato waffles.. they're waffly versatile) elimination final. We will be barracking for (Aussie speak for cheering on) the Falcons (West Perth)... so you might want to get some money on Swan Districts.
George is now out of plaster - we are making him wear a tube bandage on his right arm, not to give any support to his wrist, but to remind him that he has to be careful. Little does he know that there is also a small monitoring device implanted in the bandage that triggers an alarm every time he starts to climb trees or participate in contact sports... which in turn activates avoice recording of his mother saying ..George don't do that (ala Joyce Grenfell - one for our older readers)
Wendy's exams are now complete - she thinks she did okay, she said her arm was aching at the end of it - whether this was because she wrote a lot, or because she spent three hours leaning on it whilst looking out of the window (my particular exam technique) is unclear. It will be a few weeks before she finds out the results, but she's not intending to do any more studying... especially not now the temperature of the swimming pool is becoming slightly less akin to that of the arctic ocean.
Hattie got the dubious honour of christening the pool (hopefully not literally). She swam a couple of lengths in a time that Stephanie Rice would have been proud, albeit in the interests of self preservation - if she had gone any slower ice would have started to form on her arms and legs. Despite the fact that she had turned blue, I was persuaded to jump in as well - those of you who've seen the recent batch of photos may be able to see that I've got two lumps in my throat, they have gradually worked there way back to there proper position and I'm no longer talking in a Soprano voice. If you have seen the photos, you will have no doubt thought to yourself - what a fine figure of a man, I wonder why he never took up a career as an International Super model? Well, it just so happens that even at this late stage I may not have been entirely lost to the modelling industry. To see the results of my first modelling assignment go to .. http://www.bassendean.wa.gov.au/library/. If you scroll down the page to the news and events section.. the pictures accompanying the story 'Talking books in a new format' are me. I hear rumours that Kate Moss is getting worried already.. mainly because I'm even skinnier than she is.
We went to see Bill Bailey this week - he was excellent his ad-libbing is just superb. His vision of the Opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics was hilarious.. it involves the Queen on a giant motorised Yorkshire pudding surrounded by hundreds of performers who are portraying mushy peas and gravy through the power of contemporary dance. No mention of Morris Dancers though.
Right, I'm off now for a bit of barracking - not sure whether the tea total blog was a success or not... but I appear to have written twice as much in half the time.... all nonsense of course (nothing new there)
I will leave you with the news that I have finally hung up my football boots and taken up a new sport. The whole thing of there being more than one code of football was just too confusing and I was never comfortable calling it soccer so I've retired. Instead, I've taken up a much more Australian sport...

... Beach Volleyball (but slightly more surreally - it's indoor beach volleyball). I'll elaborate next time.

This message was brought to you whilst listening to Talking Heads and then The Housemartins.