I felt the earth move under my feet

Floods, gales and now earthquakes - make sure somebody lets me know when the locusts arrive. I was intending to bang on about the extreme weather we are enduring over here at the moment (the temperatures are in the high 30's) hoping you'd spare me a thought the next time you have the pleasure of scraping the ice off the inside of your car but it all seems a bit tame now.
I hope no-one suffered any structural damage. As I understand it you were all in bed at the time, it was all over inside 5 seconds and it's the first time it's happened for a number of years... add your own punchline.

In a sort of related way - this time ten years ago George was being born, Wendy was going through agony and I was being very supportive whilst at the same time being distracted by the cricket on the TV, not a great deal has changed really. George is having a birthday party on Saturday, for which he's invited 3 of his friends round - there's an English one, a Scottish one and an Australian one - it sounds like the start of a Bernard Manning joke. I've made the arrangements and believe me it took ages trying to find an Australian boy. The friends are coming around at 2.01pm and bringing their own toys with them to play with, Callum (the Australian one) is sleeping over and he's having to bring his own bed and bedding with him - we're hoping he'll forget to take them home when he leaves. After they've played for a bit and got bored, 2.03pm precisely, I'm taking the boys to 'Sizzlers'. I believe it's an all you can eat restaurant although it does sound like an adult theme bar, either way I'm sure it will do us just fine.

Hattie has now started taking dancing lessons, apparently she wants to learn more than just the 'teacher dancing' moves I've taught her - all I've got to say is: they worked on her mum. She's doing tap and jazz (not a clue what that is) and Grade 1 ballet. I'm guessing Grade 1 is a very short version (grade 1, short...get it? no?... forget it). I haven't seen her but I'm presuming that Hatties ballet teacher is in her mid 30's, slim build, moderately attractive with mid length brown hair scraped off her forehead into a pony tail and that she also has a walking stick and a pronounced limp... they are always like that in the movies. And also like the movies, there is going to be a show - I'm sure the authorities will try to suppress it but there is definitely going to be a show and it's on December the 19th (December, you say?). Unfortunately I'll have to miss it. I'm busy that day compiling a list of my top 5 favourite films about basketball playing teenage Werewolves.

Wendy has already got lots of projects on at work and is booked to pop over to Brisbane for a conference at the end of April. That's pop, as in taking a 5 to 6 hour plane journey across two time zones.

And finally... I would like to thank all those people who have very kindly told me that I should write a book. I've only published one of the comments otherwise it would start to look like I'm turning the blog into my own personal fan club. I can't help feeling that the people who are making these suggestions have seen my design work and are trying to drop the hint that maybe I should consider a career move. Also, I can't say I know what a literary agent does exactly but I'm sure they have to do more for their 10% than say I think you should write something. I can imagine a guy in a cafe in Edinburgh going up to Ms Rowling and saying "I tell you what JK, bang us out a story while your sat drinking your coffee. That'll be 10% of a billion pounds please".

With the way things seem to be going, I predict that the whole of Ashby-de-la-Zouch will have been destroyed by a volcanic erruption before I write my next post - so make sure you stock up on crisps (or chips as they call them here -more of that another time)

She's got legs...and she knows how to use them

• Lucy Bear Operation - Progress Report

We are very pleased to anounce that the operation to mend Lucy Bears leg has been a complete success. It was quite straight forward really, although a couple of the holes weren't quite alligned correctly so we had to drill them out a bit and then bash the screws in with an hammer.... oh no sorry that wasn't Lucy Bear's operation, that was putting the bed together.

In fact, much to Hattie's relief, Wendy had to be called in at the last minute to place the stictches in Lucy Bear because I was needed elsewhere to perform an emergency 'replacingbuttonsonmyshortsectomy'. There are only a few of us that are skilled enough to perform such ground breaking surgery - it would appear that my first year needlework teacher was wrong in her appraisal of me. The original button was last seen heading south at a blistering rate of knots as just I was finishing the last mouthful of my fourth kebab.

So it looks like Lucy Bear will make a full recovery, unless the ratings go down again, then she will probably suffer a very severe relapse or undergo a head transplant (like the Lucy in neighbours). She is not receiving visitors at the moment and asked that instead of gifts, all well wishers should make a donation to the hospital charity to help other sick and needy cuddly toys. Please make all cheques payable to C.A.S.H (Cuddly Animals Surgical Hospital). Thank You.

In other news

• George's bed arrived on time. It was then assembled quickly and efficiently(ish) and is still standing (hooray). George was so excited to get a bunk bed that he volunteered to help put it together. As it was self assembly there was plenty of swearing, misreading of rubbish instruction diagrams and chucking of tools in frustration... but he soon stopped when I told him to calm down.
• Wendy has started work this week. So I am now left home alone all day with only a computer, my pet spider(s) and a tin of tomatoes for company. Wendy is also doing some after work courses to help her get up to speed with the Australian accountancy and tax systems... I've re-arranged my pencils into chronological order - the whole HB, B , 2B thing was just too con-formist for me.
• The new Ikea opened here last week. Unfortunately, due to it being the only day we could get there and the fact that we needed a large amount of home utensils, Wendy and I went on the day it opened. Pure, unadulterated hell. The car parks and surrounding environs were just full to overflowing - luckily, we've got a big 4wd thingy so we just parked on top of a little Kia. It has to be said that I am a big fan of scandinavian design - the clean lines, the gentle curves, the blonde hair and how can you have anything but affection for the Billy bookcase (unless of course you have to put it together). But the problem was that it's the first real Ikea to open in WA. There was one previously but it was only about as big Milnes' (thats a reference for all our Maltby readers). I just about survived and was allowed Swedish meatballs for being good.
• Not my bedroom. The room I thought that I'd been allocated as my bedroom turned out to be a walk in wardrobe.

Any other business - Re: Marks comment. I am pleased to say that I do know the cultural reference which he alluded to. I believe House is the US TV programme for which Hugh Lawrie has won a shed load of awards despite appearing to do to the american accent what Dick van Dyke did to the cockerneeee one. I also have to confess that originally I thought he meant Doogie Howzwer MD but thats not nearly as current.

All done. I'm off to have lunch - probably spider and tomatoe surprise.

H

Please note that no bears or cuddly toys of any kind were harmed during the making of this blog.

Our house in the middle of our street..

...Actually, its more like 7/8ths along - but even Suggs couldn't have made that scan.
Yes, we have now got the keys for the new house and have managed to transfer a few bits across already. Bedrooms have already been allocated (not sure why I've got one to myself ) and we've worked out what furniture is going where - which is pretty easy really seeing as we don't have any at the moment

We've got some coming tomorrow though. We've got a washing machine and a fridge/freezer combo being delivered by the 'Good Guys', thats not my own personal opinion - it's the name of one of the main electrical retailers over here. They have a strange pricing policy whereby the very helpful and friendly staff (especially those who originate from West Yorkshire) are allowed to knock money off the price for no apparent reason. If that sounds mad, what about the fact that they've given us a two hour slot in which they are going to deliver the goods in the morning. Where is the fun in that, whats wrong with saying it will come some time between 8am and 6pm and then phoning at half five to say they won't be delivering today after all because the moon has unexpectedly passed into Saturn (I so wanted to put Uranus but then I thought that that would be childish and immature).

We are also having a bed delivered for George. It's a bunk bed, which is something he's always wanted but he could never have in the UK due to the sloping roof in his room in Tadcaster Road. In fact he wants it so much we are considering telling him that it's his main birthday present and so getting us out of buying him anything off his rather extensive and expensive birthday list. He is already scouring the business sections of the papers hoping for an upsurge in the UK economy by the end of the month so that his birthday money in sterling will be worth more dollars when its converted across. He's really pleased because we've managed to locate a model shop in Perth that sells James Bond cars and other corgi vehichles. I'd like to tell you that we'd found it by using 007 type methods of cunning, bravery, fast cars and fancy gadgets, surveillance and by pumping a bevvy of beautiful women for information... but to be honest we used google like everyone else.

Hattie has had a very good week at school this week. She's already made two new friends but she was even more excited by the fact that she had to take her favourite toy into class to talk about it on Wednesday. She took in Lucy bear which was a leaving present from her best friend from Dringhouses school who was somewhat coincidentally called Lucy. The presentation went very well but it soon became apparent that Lucy bear was carrying a tear in one of her lower limbs or (if its okay to use the technical jargon) legs. Lucy bear does have medicare so she will be able to have a long and painful operation to repair the damage (I think its the left leg, I suppose I should find out before I operate) but for the time being she is making do by wearing a rather elaborate oversized bandage. To make matters worse it was poor Lucy bears birthday this week and we all had to sit and watch as the inanimate object opened it's presents (very much like my birthday a fortnight ago).

Well, got to go now to consult my Frank Spencer book entitled 'Erecting flact pack furniture & carrying out major surgical procedures for beginners', ready for the morning.
Will release a short statement on Lucy bears' and the beds condition at a later date.

I don't want to change the world I'm not looking for a...

...New England. As we are still English (and surrounded by British people) I feel compelled to talk about the weather. It's hot again now but on Thursday it had the temerity to rain. And don't be fooled into believing that it's only the UK where the transport system is thrown into chaos by a change in the weather. I travelled into Perth on the train that day and there was an anouncement over the PA that all services were delayed due to the extreme weather conditions... it was raining. Okay we've not had rain here for well over a month but it's still pushing it to describe heavy drizzle as extreme. The roads suffered as well with the main Freeway gridlocked, I think it's done intentionally so the ex pats have something to whinge about, because thats when they are at their happiest.

The kids had a good week at school, well neither of them have been expelled or beaten up so they must have done something right. They've both learnt how to ask to go to the toilet in Japanese, although by the time Hattie has remembered how the entire phrase goes there could well be an embarrassing puddle on the floor. George managed to win a few brownie points with his teacher by being the only one in his class to answer correctly an Australian geography question, to be fair there's probably only two of his classmates that were actually born here.

Today, mindful of the lessons we learnt last weekend, we decided to explore the coastline and headed north. We were rewarded by discovering Yanchep, we were the first people to do so, apart from some Dutch sailors who washed up there back in 1680something. It's got fantastic white sandy beaches and a beautiful lagoon. Later in the day we travelled slightly in land to Yanchep National Park. We took a leisurely root march around Loch McNess (I swear I have not made that up) which reminded me alot of the lake at Roche Abbey... with the bullrushes and dragonflies and the searing heat and parrots and pelicans and wild kangaroos - well maybe not the kangaroos. There were also koalas there that had Wendy going all mushy... I think I need to find a Koala suit before Valentines day.

I managed to get hold of a music mag this week and was devastated to find out that Blly Bragg was in town last weekend to play a festival. It was a strange line-up but it also included Bjork as well as the Bard of Barking and so would definitely have been worth going to. I have vowed to be more vigilant in future and I'm already planning to go and see PJ Harvey, who is here in a couple of weeks, and there's no way I'll miss (Phil) Collins if he vetures this way (please insert your own jokes regarding high powered rifles here).

By this time next week we should be in our new rented accomodation complete with four bedrooms, two bathrooms and no furniture. If it cleared the channel our container should arrive in Fremantle on March 11 and then who knows how long it will take to get through customs. In the meantime we'll be making do with one camp bed and a table that I've managed to create from pure lard.

Well, I'm off now to search for Koala suits on google... (and in the words of the legend that was Nick Ross) please, don't have nightmares, Goodnight

New car!